Changes

“I hate writing, I love having written.”

― Dorothy Parker

And that, my friends, is my problem. Makes me think I should pick up some of old Dorothy’s books and see what she managed to churn out in spite of herself. I’ve been told I’m a good writer, but to be honest, sometimes it’s hard to make myself do it, even though I like the results. Well, sometimes. But I guess like any other hobby/pastime/passion/whatever, no matter how much you enjoy something, it can become a chore at times. You just have to push through that, and keep your eyes on the good times ahead. Kind of like bikers in the winter. Sure, your fingertips get numb, and your whole body is tense, but on some level, the ride itself is still fun, or you wouldn’t do it. So you push through, waiting anxiously for warmer weather.

I do want to write more. Once upon a time, I wrote nearly every day. I keep saying I’m going to do that again. I also keep saying I’m going to do some other things more, too. It’s well past time for talking about it, and I’m getting a pretty late start at the actual doing. It’s time to put up or shut up. Fish or cut bait. Shit or get off the pot.

I’m inspired by a friend. She made a list of changes she wanted to make in her life, and created an Instagram account to post about it and to hold herself accountable. She has a hundred things on her list, and is adding one each day, then accounting for how she implements the new habits, and how she’s maintaining them all as time goes on.

While I applaud my friend, and enjoy her posts, I know myself well enough to know that that level of both detail and obligation (even self-imposed) would just backfire and basically push me away. So, I’m following her inspiration, but with my own spin.

So, in no particular order, here’s my own list, with accompanying commentary.

·         Write.
I used to write blog posts a few times a week. I’m going to get back to that. I think I also want to try to work in some more fiction. I may not post the fiction, at least not immediately, but I’d like to work up to writing at least an hour per day average. Life happens, so obviously actual time spent will fluctuate, and if I end up doing more on a regular basis, that’s even better.

·         Exercise
I’m solidly into middle age, and terribly out of shape, so in the interest of realism, I’m not looking at any bodybuilding competitions or marathons or whatever. Just trying to get my ass in motion and feel better in general. Maybe as I improve, I’ll develop more ambitious goals, but for now, I’m looking to grind out a walk and/or some pushups and situps/crunches every day.

·         Read
I used to be this guy who had a book in his lunchbox to read on break at work, another book or magazine on the coffee table to pick up during commercials while watching TV, and one on the nightstand for pre-sleep reading. Then along came the internet and close on its heels, social media. Then easy streaming  bingeing of TV shows and movies. I actually fell out of the habit of reading for a while. I’m reading more now, but I’d like to expand it. So, I’m committing to an hour per day (not counting what reading I do on break at work). I’ve never been good about reading nonfiction, so I’m looking to bump that up too. Part of the commitment is to read at least one chapter a day of nonfiction. Honestly, this is probably going to be the easiest part of the whole program.

·         Stay current on correspondence
When I got my first smartphone, I thought it would help me stay in touch and up to date with communication. Nah, it helped me waste even more time with its easy access to things like Facebook and Twitter. Sure, I can read emails during the day when I’m nowhere near my computer. But then I decide that a reply will be easier on the full sized keyboard at home. And I promptly forget to go back and write that reply. As a result, I have a backlog of emails and Messenger messages waiting my attention. So, the goal here is to fix that and to stay on top of the messages. I’ll work out some sort of system. Maybe set aside a day a week to make sure I catch up on anything I’ve put off over the previous seven days.

·         Less “TV”
The quotation marks indicate that TV means all those things I use the TV for: Netflix, Hulu, Vudu, DVDs. Movies, shows, all of it. The goal is to limit it to an hour a day. This will honestly probably fluctuate a bit, too, and that’s okay. I’ll also make exceptions for days I’m stuck at home sick, and obviously if I decide to watch a movie that will go over the time. I think in this case, the spirit of the law is more important than the letter of the law.

·         Disconnect more from the phone
I’ve become more addicted to my phone than a teenage girl, and that needs to stop for a number of reasons. I took a couple of steps already. A few months ago, I deleted the Facebook app. That alone reduced my phone screen time. I just started a new job where we’re not allowed to have phones on our person while working, so that’s been a big help in making this particular adjustment, too. I can’t reach for the phone just because I have thirty seconds of space to fill.

I’m hoping that writing out this list and posting it online will help bolster my commitment to making some improvements. I started out trying to push myself to write more, and look at this. An all-around self improvement plan. Who knew writing could also make you a better person?

I know this is kind of a boring blog post, but I guess I’m trying to rehab my writer’s legs. Gotta crawl before I can walk, right?


Wish me luck, y’all. Here I goooooo……


P.S. I know it’s a big no-no because of SEO and original content and all, but I’m doing a copy and paste of this onto both of the blogs I’m maintaining. These are www.ridinandwritin.blogspot.com and www.handgrenadesandhorseshoes.blogspot.com. Whichever one you’re reading this on, take a few minutes and check out my other writing on the other blog.

P.P.S Thanks for the inspiration, BW. Thanks for the occasional written kick in the ass to help motivate me, too.

Somebody Fire the Starter Pistol

I haven’t written much at all lately. Like, in months. In spite of promises to the contrary on my blogs and to myself.

Ironically, the problem often isn’t that I don’t have anything I want to say, but that I have too much to say, and it gets hard – daunting – to open the white screen and put fingertips to keyboard and.

Just.

Start.


So that’s what this near-meaningless, borderline whiny post is all about. I’m making myself write something. Anything. Just to fucking do it.

I’m going through a similar physical experience. I’ve let my body get to the point where ten pushups is a strain. Bending over to tie my shoes is painful to my lower back. But I’m making myself start somewhere, even if it’s an embarrassing starting line. Something about a journey of a thousand miles and a single step, right?

So I’ll post this on both my blogs, and then hopefully there will be a flurry of posts on both. Hopefully it won’t stop after that initial flurry, but just settle down to a steady pace.

Oh, and just to put extra stress on myself, I’m considering trying to throw some fiction into the mix…


www.handgrenadesandhorseshoes.blogspot.com

www.ridinandwritin.blogspot.com

Struggling

After I shared the link to my last post on Facebook, I got a lot of negative response. It really put me off writing for a while. If I ever feel up to sharing anything more than surface thoughts on social media again, it'll be a while. Since that's sort of where I've been leaning with this blog, I don't even know if there's any point in continuing to write it. I mean, if I don't post links, I don't think anybody will read the blog. If there's no audience, why bother posting?


So, I'm doing a test run. I'm posting this entry and I'm not using any hashtags, nor am I sharing the link anywhere - social media, direct message, texts to friends/girlfriend/family. I want to see if I have an audience outside people who click links on Facebook and Twitter. If I get any views, maybe I'll keep writing. If I don't, well. We'll see. No promises either way.

Work, Work, Work

Work’s been a bitch lately.


By “lately”, I mean the last few years.

 

Only since about 1987 or so.

 

 But seriously, the last five years especially have been rough. I had a rough time in my twenties finding a job I could stick with. I finally did, and I was there for fifteen years, then my location was shut down and I (along with nearly everybody else there) was out on my ass. Business is business, and I don’t have any hard feelings – I’m still an occasional customer of that company. However, in five years, I still haven’t lasted a full year at any job. It’s like I’m a twenty-something again, only this time with bigger bills and heavier obligations (like child support and insurance and grown up stuff).

There’s always been some reason or other they don’t work out. Right now, I’m dealing with a couple of supervisors that are particularly hard to get along with. If I’m too formal or neutral with them, I get accused of being hostile. If I’m too friendly, then either they take it as some kind of challenge or misinterpret something I say as an attack. Or something I say as an attempt at light hearted humor comes back to bite me on the ass when they use it against me later. When they get upset, they consider it perfectly acceptable to raise their voices and yell, but then if we react negatively to being yelled at, it’s us that have the bad attitude. Sorry, but this is a grocery store, not Boot Camp – you don’t get to treat me that way and have a free pass. I don’t know what to do. I already feel like my schedule is being written in a way to get back at me for an imagined slight. Yet, there’s nothing about it that breaks any rules, so I can’t make any official complaint. Rock to the left, hard place to the right. I can literally feel my blood pressure increase on my way to work.

Of course, sometimes I wonder. With all the failed jobs, all the stalled attempts at the proverbial “fresh start”, maybe the problem is me? Or it’s them and me both? Honestly, with all the jobs I’ve had the last few years, I think I’ve probably hit every point on that spectrum. I know I can be hard to get along with, and let’s face it – it’s harder to learn new things in your forties than it was in your twenties, and that frustrates me. Frustrated me is even harder to get along with. I did get a psychiatric discharge from the Navy, so obviously there’s something wrong with my metal functionality. I do kind of feel like I’ve been getting in my own way most of my life.

My big problem is that I really hate working. It’s not that I’m lazy – some of the jobs I’ve enjoyed have involved more physical labor. I don’t mind working hard when I’m into something. It’s just a severe lack of motivation. Like the country song said, “my give-a-damn’s busted”. Even jobs I like at first will sooner or later just become soul numbing, boring drudgery, and I can’t deal with that. It can sometimes take a lot of mental exertion just to get myself to go to work, and then to keep doing whatever mindless task I’m being paid to do. Sometimes I just want to say “fuck it all”. I oscillate between depressive symptoms and anxiety symptoms a lot.

Does anybody else ever get a pain in their chest at work, creeping into their arm, and kind of get their hopes up for a minute, then the pain goes away and you’re left a little disappointed? No? Just me? Oh, okay. Yeah, never mind.

But in the meantime, I still have to earn a check. But I have to keep my guard up, too. For my own dignity and for what little shred of mental health I have left,too.

Then it occurs to me. I already have the answer. It’s even tattooed on my collarbone! Illegitimi non carborundum: Don’t let the bastards grind you down. Sure, it’s not true Latin, but it sure sounds good, and I’m all for playing around with words. These bastards, I’ve been letting them grind me down. I’m about ground smooth, too. But it’s making me harder in the process, like grinding a gemstone to make it ready for a ring. I’m not sure they’re going to like how I shine, but I’m done letting them grind me down.


More later.

Hand Grenades and HorseShoes, The Return

No more excuses. No more lazy Netflix binges. No more fear of the blank screen.

I used to write on a regular basis, but a couple of years ago, I fell into some sort of depression that left me without motivation to do it. Sure, I’d feel the urge here and there, but by the time I had the chance to sit down and hit the keyboard, I’d lost the will. Or I was worried it wouldn’t be any good.

Well, fuck it. I want to be that guy who’s always writing. I’ve made some tentative pokes at both of my blogs, but nothing regular. That stops now. I may not necessarily post everything I write, and I may not sit down at the computer every single day at first, but I’m going to write.

You know what? My topics may not be consistent. I’m all right with that. This is just going to be my “brain dump” blog. If you want more focused content, check out my bike blog: https://ridinandwritin.blogspot.com/

 

I have two memes I’m using to kick my own ass into gear. I’m sharing them in this post. I’m not the owner or creator of either and I don’t claim to be, so don’t get your panties in a twist in concerns of plagiarism or “appropriation” of content. It’ll be okay. I promise.

So, anyway, I’m back, y’all. I’m ready to toss some hand grenades, or some horseshoes. All depends on the mood of the day.

 

 

 

 

The Unified Theory of Conspiracy

I have a theory about conspiracy theories. Let’s call this the Conspiracy Theory Theory. Or The Unified Conspiracy Theory. Yeah, that sounds smart and shit.


What if ALL the conspiracy theories are rooted in truth?

We really were planted here by an alien race eons ago as an experiment. The alien abductions would all make sense then, eh? They’re just extrapolating data. Probably also tagging test subjects like biologists tag animals’ ears before releasing them back into the wild. Or maybe they’re the good aliens, and they’re implanting defenses against the mind control technologies of the evil reptilian alien beings who have taken control of most of our government workings? Of course they did that through using their puppets in groups like the Bilderberg Group, the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Catholic Church, the Unions, and the local Girl Scout troop (yes, Girl Scout cookies are a means of mind control). These groups are responsible for things like making the Soviets hire the Sicilians to pay to have Kennedy assassinated with a bullet that changes course mid-flight (more alien tech). I think we can also blame the aliens for the popularity of the Kardashians, man buns, rompers for men, and the McRib. They’re testing to see just how far they could push and have us still go along. I think the Kardashians established the threshold. God, let’s hope so, anyway.

But here’s the real kicker. (There’s always a kicker….)

They haven’t even tried to hide any of this from us. They were smart. Crafty as fuck. They told us, in plain language, even. They’ve revealed all their plans, their histories, their intrigue against the terrestrial branch of the human race. Here’s the really  sneaky, ultra-genius-mad-scientist level mind fuckery of it all:

They told it all to the most batshit crazy, fucked up, out there where the buses don’t run, off their meds nutjobs they could find.

Not only did this guarantee we wouldn’t believe the madman ramblings in the first place, it also put in motion the gears of the machine that would make us automatically reject any suggestion of these intrigues from otherwise sane people. Because we’ve already heard and dismissed it.

 

Wily, crafty motherfuckers, ain’t they?

See you later. I need to go buy as much tinfoil as I can. I like to wear a different hat every day……

 

Works For Me

So, I’m 47 years old and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I know – it’s a popular joke, but in my case, it’s the truth. I’ve tried several many, jobs, but rarely do they turn out to be something I can both enjoy and earn a living with.

 

 I actually don’t like working.

I know  - no one does; that’s why they have to pay you to do it. I don’t need any feedback telling me “yeah, good luck – you just have to man up and go to work”.

No shit.

I get that.

And to work I go. And I’m generally miserable. I try not to complain, and to put on at least a neutral face if I can’t fake happy. So just know that if you hear me complain about work, it’s because it’s gotten to the point that it makes me miserable. I don’t bother talking about simple dissatisfaction anymore.  I just really don’t know of anything I wouldn’t eventually become miserable doing every day. At least not something I can earn a living from. I had something close, and I stuck with that for over fifteen years, but then that job disappeared like a morning mist when the sun hits it.


I’d even like to find a job where I don’t find myself spending the day in the pattern of

Clock in

Wait for break

Wait for lunch

Escape into social media or a book

Wait for break

Desperately hang on until quitting time

Rinse and repeat five days a week

 

 

 

I haven’t found the thing I can enjoy and actually support myself doing. Some people know just what they want to do. Mechanic, doctor, carpenter, artist. Often it’s something they’d do anyway, as a hobby. For example, my roommate does maintenance on the city’s water system. If he won the lottery or something, he’d be working in his garage, building cars and motorcycles, because he enjoys mechanical work. I know woodworkers and carpenters who’d work on various wood crafts if they didn’t need a job. I knew a welder who welded sculptures in her spare time. I haven’t found the thing that drives me and makes me want to buckle down and just do it for the enjoyment. At least, nothing that can be turned into a paycheck.

The closest I’ve come is my fairly recently realized love for writing. I don’t know if I can make a living at it or not, but I’m going to try to figure out how to maybe at least get some extra cash out of it. I’ve started a new, more focused blog and once it’s going strong, I’ll increase its presence through social media, and see if I can’t maybe get some sponsors, or at least some paid advertising or something. If you want to help a motorcycle obsessed nut job and you like bike related writing, check out http://ridinandwritin.blogspot.com/. I’ll still write here, for things that don’t apply there, and hopefully I have an audience here, too. Who knows? Maybe I’ll make it as a writer some day. Probably not, but fuck it. I’m gonna write whether I get paid or not.

Nucking Futs

I have issues. I know: don’t we all? Mine run a bit deeper, though. Like deep enough to get me discharged from the Navy on the recommendation of a psychiatrist. Deep enough to get me eight days in the mental ward at Audie Murphy VA hospital in San Antonio less than a year after that discharge. (Edit: My disorder apparently formed in early childhood, and just became noticeable as an adult in the Navy. I didn’t have a traumatic experience in the service, and I’m not a combat veteran. I don’t have PTSD. I just want to be clear about that. I don’t want to imply that I can relate to those of you have to deal with that particular demon.)

I seem to have been born without a strong internal sense of motivation or drive. I feel like I’ve gone through life with a severe motivational deficiency. I see other people who are hard chargers. They seem to always succeed, while others work hard and can usually make it work. Then, some of us just can’t seem to make things work no matter how hard we try. Almost like there’s a “success gene”, and it’s a dominant gene for some, a recessive gene for others and dormant for people like me.

My personality disorder has given me problems throughout my life, even before I was diagnosed. Matter of fact, the diagnosis explained some problems I’d had in school, before I even joined the Navy. It’s given me problems with relationships throughout my life. It’s caused problems with getting and keeping jobs. I finally had found a job I really liked. Sure, I griped about it, but who doesn’t need to vent? No job is all sunshine and rainbows.

That job left me, in a manner of speaking. And I’ve been drifting ever since. I spent most of my twenties drifting like this, and while I survived, and got by, it was just barely. I find myself in the same situation now, but with bigger bills, and bigger responsibilities. And with two other mouths to help feed, who can’t contribute to their own sustenance. So, the pressure is on. And it’s pressure that I find myself constantly struggling to cope with. In the last two years, it’s been a rare thing for me to feel relaxed without requiring at least an hour on the bike, or booze. I know; that should be a warning sign, but what can I do? A personality disorder by definition forms in childhood, so it’s not service connected, so the VA can’t help me as an outpatient. I can’t afford the deductibles and copays to see somebody through private insurance. So, I write my own prescriptions. I ride as often as possible, whether it’s alone or with a group. And I drink. I don’t drink to the point of drooling stupidity – just enough to take the edge off the teeth of this wolf that’s haunting me.

My little problem lay dormant for the most part for many years. Sure, it’d rear its head from time to time, but it just growled; it didn’t bite. Lately, though, it’s not just rearing its head. It’s arching its back and its baring its teeth.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe because the world is pressing in too hard on me. Sometimes, it feels like I’m being pulled so strongly in so many different directions that I’m stretched thin and tight to the point of breaking. Sometimes I want to break stuff. Honestly, sometimes I wish I just wouldn’t fucking wake up in the morning, or some asshole would run a red light and take me out. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not going to take action myself. I won’t do that to my family.

But when every job I’ve tried for the last two years just doesn’t work; when I try and just can’t seem to grasp it, or maybe I sort of do, but the bills still aren’t getting paid, or especially when I have high hopes for a job, and it just doesn’t live up to the expectation… Well. That’s when my old struggle starts up again.

The mix of anger, frustration and depression swells up until it becomes a roaring white noise that only I can hear. Literally. I hear a roaring whoosh inside my head at times. Then my chest gets tight and it’s hard to breathe.

It gets hard to imagine any future that contains any sort of “success”. I’ve never truly lived on my own. I’ve always had roommates or lived with a wife or significant other. I did live alone in an RV for a while, but it was sold to me so cheap that it was virtually a gift. And even then, my family helped me pay for it. Now, the new job doesn’t look so bright. It was so promising, and I was so optimistic about it in the beginning, but it’s fallen apart. I should’ve known. That’s a pattern in my life. Every time I’ve been optimistic about something, I’ve been disappointed. If I’m just okay with it, then maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. But when I expect “good”, it rarely happens. I guess I need to learn to keep the bar a lot lower. Pessimists are rarely disappointed.

Anyway, lately I feel like I’m bound for the nutjob wing again. I worry about how my bills will get paid if I’m not getting paid, but what the fuck? They’re not getting paid now, anyway.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. As I go back and proofread, I wonder if I’ll post it, or even share it with an individual, or even a select few people. All I know is that it’s been welling up inside me, and begging to be said, but I don’t know that I’m capable of “saying” it. I can type a lot of things I can’t say. Part of me feels like I should just shut up – it’s not like I went through a traumatic experience. Then again, sometimes we’re not broken; sometimes we’re just defective. More like a car that left the factory missing pieces than one that was in a wreck. I have a feeling that if I do post this, some people will read it and think I’m full of excuses, or laziness, or whatever. Kiss my ass. Psychological problems are real – as real as physical impairments. Trust me – I’d much rather be able to hold it together than deal with this shit all the time.

Family

                I saw a photo recently. It’s inspired me. Inspired my heart, my hope, and even my desire to write again.

Recently, the Gypsy Motorcycle Club lost yet another brother. You’d think that after more than two decades of carrying this patch and losing family, I’d have gotten used to it, but loss just isn’t something you get used to. Actually, that’s a good thing. It means I still have a heart.

The photo is of our Fallen Brother’s son being hugged and comforted by a brother. It’s such a simple photo; one that a lot of people would skim over; scroll past in their social network feed. But they’d miss so much. Such a simple photo carries such weight.

It’s heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. It hurts to see a child mourn the loss of a parent. It hurts to see someone feeling the loss of another that they shared no blood with, yet still loved as a brother. Hell, I’m choked up and my eyes are blurry as I type this, and the funeral was weeks ago.

But it’s also heartwarming. I see family love that’s freely given and accepted with no need of blood or marriage bond. I see in it the promise that although Dad may be gone, there are plenty of men who will each take on a small part of that role in the years to come.

Most outsiders have no clue. They see the colors, the patch, and they just think we’re a bunch of godless heathens out for a good time. They think all we share is rides and parties. No, they have no fucking clue. To those who wear a patch, the words "brother" and "sister" mean just that - they're not empty syllables to be spoken to someone we just met at a bar or rally. They don’t know about the middle of the night breakdowns, when all it takes is a phone call to have help. They don’t know about the emergency room and ICU visits, with dozens of people telling the hospital staff “I’m his brother” or “I’m his sister” to be able to get in when they tell us “immediate family only”.  They don’t see us helping each other move, helping celebrate marriages and births, or being there in times of grief. They don’t see us simply being with each other – as a family.

Gypsy Rooster and Gypsy Jr Member MacGyver

When the world is falling apart, we’re there for each other. That’s what I see in that photo. That’s what I feel from my club. My family.

GFFG (Gypsy Forever Forever Gypsy)
LGDG (Live Gypsy Die Gypsy)