FY2014

December 31, 2014

(No, the title doesn’t stand for Fiscal Year.)

As I sit here on the last evening of the year, I look back on 2014, and I look back at what I was thinking this time last year.

This time last year, I couldn’t wait for ’13 to end. I thought the next year had to be a better one.

If only that had been the case. The year started off horribly. My mother was diagnosed in mid-January with glioblastoma, an aggressive brain cancer. She was already in Stage 4, and they said in all likelihood, it didn’t even exist at Thanksgiving. Five weeks after her diagnosis, I was at her funeral.

I had work issues, which I’d gotten used to not having, since I was with Barnes & Noble for so long.

I had money issues.

I miss my daughter horribly, and I couldn’t go visit her nearly often enough due to the money issues.

I usually average a funeral or two a year – members of the Gypsy Motorcycle Club, or other members of the biker community. This year, I lost four people. The club lost more – these were just the people who were close to me. This doesn’t include my mom.

Hell, as I write this, I’m sitting at home, alone, on New Year’s Eve, for the first time ever in my life. Yes, I’ve spent NYE at home before, but not alone. And here’s the kicker: I’m alone by choice. I just don’t have it in me to celebrate the turning of the calendar. I don’t even have it in me to be in the company of other people right now.

I really want to say “Fuck you” to 2014, and to be optimistic about next year. But I did that last year, and it didn’t work so well.

Maybe I should give up on looking at years. Maybe I need to look more immediately. Look at time week by week? Yeah, maybe that’s a better way. It’s easier to say you had an off week without getting depressed about it the way you would (and I have) by saying you had a bad year.

Okay, so, to hell with 2014, but this week isn’t so bad. Hopefully next week will be all right, too. Damn, I hope so.