Changes

“I hate writing, I love having written.”

― Dorothy Parker

And that, my friends, is my problem. Makes me think I should pick up some of old Dorothy’s books and see what she managed to churn out in spite of herself. I’ve been told I’m a good writer, but to be honest, sometimes it’s hard to make myself do it, even though I like the results. Well, sometimes. But I guess like any other hobby/pastime/passion/whatever, no matter how much you enjoy something, it can become a chore at times. You just have to push through that, and keep your eyes on the good times ahead. Kind of like bikers in the winter. Sure, your fingertips get numb, and your whole body is tense, but on some level, the ride itself is still fun, or you wouldn’t do it. So you push through, waiting anxiously for warmer weather.

I do want to write more. Once upon a time, I wrote nearly every day. I keep saying I’m going to do that again. I also keep saying I’m going to do some other things more, too. It’s well past time for talking about it, and I’m getting a pretty late start at the actual doing. It’s time to put up or shut up. Fish or cut bait. Shit or get off the pot.

I’m inspired by a friend. She made a list of changes she wanted to make in her life, and created an Instagram account to post about it and to hold herself accountable. She has a hundred things on her list, and is adding one each day, then accounting for how she implements the new habits, and how she’s maintaining them all as time goes on.

While I applaud my friend, and enjoy her posts, I know myself well enough to know that that level of both detail and obligation (even self-imposed) would just backfire and basically push me away. So, I’m following her inspiration, but with my own spin.

So, in no particular order, here’s my own list, with accompanying commentary.

·         Write.
I used to write blog posts a few times a week. I’m going to get back to that. I think I also want to try to work in some more fiction. I may not post the fiction, at least not immediately, but I’d like to work up to writing at least an hour per day average. Life happens, so obviously actual time spent will fluctuate, and if I end up doing more on a regular basis, that’s even better.

·         Exercise
I’m solidly into middle age, and terribly out of shape, so in the interest of realism, I’m not looking at any bodybuilding competitions or marathons or whatever. Just trying to get my ass in motion and feel better in general. Maybe as I improve, I’ll develop more ambitious goals, but for now, I’m looking to grind out a walk and/or some pushups and situps/crunches every day.

·         Read
I used to be this guy who had a book in his lunchbox to read on break at work, another book or magazine on the coffee table to pick up during commercials while watching TV, and one on the nightstand for pre-sleep reading. Then along came the internet and close on its heels, social media. Then easy streaming  bingeing of TV shows and movies. I actually fell out of the habit of reading for a while. I’m reading more now, but I’d like to expand it. So, I’m committing to an hour per day (not counting what reading I do on break at work). I’ve never been good about reading nonfiction, so I’m looking to bump that up too. Part of the commitment is to read at least one chapter a day of nonfiction. Honestly, this is probably going to be the easiest part of the whole program.

·         Stay current on correspondence
When I got my first smartphone, I thought it would help me stay in touch and up to date with communication. Nah, it helped me waste even more time with its easy access to things like Facebook and Twitter. Sure, I can read emails during the day when I’m nowhere near my computer. But then I decide that a reply will be easier on the full sized keyboard at home. And I promptly forget to go back and write that reply. As a result, I have a backlog of emails and Messenger messages waiting my attention. So, the goal here is to fix that and to stay on top of the messages. I’ll work out some sort of system. Maybe set aside a day a week to make sure I catch up on anything I’ve put off over the previous seven days.

·         Less “TV”
The quotation marks indicate that TV means all those things I use the TV for: Netflix, Hulu, Vudu, DVDs. Movies, shows, all of it. The goal is to limit it to an hour a day. This will honestly probably fluctuate a bit, too, and that’s okay. I’ll also make exceptions for days I’m stuck at home sick, and obviously if I decide to watch a movie that will go over the time. I think in this case, the spirit of the law is more important than the letter of the law.

·         Disconnect more from the phone
I’ve become more addicted to my phone than a teenage girl, and that needs to stop for a number of reasons. I took a couple of steps already. A few months ago, I deleted the Facebook app. That alone reduced my phone screen time. I just started a new job where we’re not allowed to have phones on our person while working, so that’s been a big help in making this particular adjustment, too. I can’t reach for the phone just because I have thirty seconds of space to fill.

I’m hoping that writing out this list and posting it online will help bolster my commitment to making some improvements. I started out trying to push myself to write more, and look at this. An all-around self improvement plan. Who knew writing could also make you a better person?

I know this is kind of a boring blog post, but I guess I’m trying to rehab my writer’s legs. Gotta crawl before I can walk, right?


Wish me luck, y’all. Here I goooooo……


P.S. I know it’s a big no-no because of SEO and original content and all, but I’m doing a copy and paste of this onto both of the blogs I’m maintaining. These are www.ridinandwritin.blogspot.com and www.handgrenadesandhorseshoes.blogspot.com. Whichever one you’re reading this on, take a few minutes and check out my other writing on the other blog.

P.P.S Thanks for the inspiration, BW. Thanks for the occasional written kick in the ass to help motivate me, too.

Somebody Fire the Starter Pistol

I haven’t written much at all lately. Like, in months. In spite of promises to the contrary on my blogs and to myself.

Ironically, the problem often isn’t that I don’t have anything I want to say, but that I have too much to say, and it gets hard – daunting – to open the white screen and put fingertips to keyboard and.

Just.

Start.


So that’s what this near-meaningless, borderline whiny post is all about. I’m making myself write something. Anything. Just to fucking do it.

I’m going through a similar physical experience. I’ve let my body get to the point where ten pushups is a strain. Bending over to tie my shoes is painful to my lower back. But I’m making myself start somewhere, even if it’s an embarrassing starting line. Something about a journey of a thousand miles and a single step, right?

So I’ll post this on both my blogs, and then hopefully there will be a flurry of posts on both. Hopefully it won’t stop after that initial flurry, but just settle down to a steady pace.

Oh, and just to put extra stress on myself, I’m considering trying to throw some fiction into the mix…


www.handgrenadesandhorseshoes.blogspot.com

www.ridinandwritin.blogspot.com

Struggling

After I shared the link to my last post on Facebook, I got a lot of negative response. It really put me off writing for a while. If I ever feel up to sharing anything more than surface thoughts on social media again, it'll be a while. Since that's sort of where I've been leaning with this blog, I don't even know if there's any point in continuing to write it. I mean, if I don't post links, I don't think anybody will read the blog. If there's no audience, why bother posting?


So, I'm doing a test run. I'm posting this entry and I'm not using any hashtags, nor am I sharing the link anywhere - social media, direct message, texts to friends/girlfriend/family. I want to see if I have an audience outside people who click links on Facebook and Twitter. If I get any views, maybe I'll keep writing. If I don't, well. We'll see. No promises either way.

Work, Work, Work

Work’s been a bitch lately.


By “lately”, I mean the last few years.

 

Only since about 1987 or so.

 

 But seriously, the last five years especially have been rough. I had a rough time in my twenties finding a job I could stick with. I finally did, and I was there for fifteen years, then my location was shut down and I (along with nearly everybody else there) was out on my ass. Business is business, and I don’t have any hard feelings – I’m still an occasional customer of that company. However, in five years, I still haven’t lasted a full year at any job. It’s like I’m a twenty-something again, only this time with bigger bills and heavier obligations (like child support and insurance and grown up stuff).

There’s always been some reason or other they don’t work out. Right now, I’m dealing with a couple of supervisors that are particularly hard to get along with. If I’m too formal or neutral with them, I get accused of being hostile. If I’m too friendly, then either they take it as some kind of challenge or misinterpret something I say as an attack. Or something I say as an attempt at light hearted humor comes back to bite me on the ass when they use it against me later. When they get upset, they consider it perfectly acceptable to raise their voices and yell, but then if we react negatively to being yelled at, it’s us that have the bad attitude. Sorry, but this is a grocery store, not Boot Camp – you don’t get to treat me that way and have a free pass. I don’t know what to do. I already feel like my schedule is being written in a way to get back at me for an imagined slight. Yet, there’s nothing about it that breaks any rules, so I can’t make any official complaint. Rock to the left, hard place to the right. I can literally feel my blood pressure increase on my way to work.

Of course, sometimes I wonder. With all the failed jobs, all the stalled attempts at the proverbial “fresh start”, maybe the problem is me? Or it’s them and me both? Honestly, with all the jobs I’ve had the last few years, I think I’ve probably hit every point on that spectrum. I know I can be hard to get along with, and let’s face it – it’s harder to learn new things in your forties than it was in your twenties, and that frustrates me. Frustrated me is even harder to get along with. I did get a psychiatric discharge from the Navy, so obviously there’s something wrong with my metal functionality. I do kind of feel like I’ve been getting in my own way most of my life.

My big problem is that I really hate working. It’s not that I’m lazy – some of the jobs I’ve enjoyed have involved more physical labor. I don’t mind working hard when I’m into something. It’s just a severe lack of motivation. Like the country song said, “my give-a-damn’s busted”. Even jobs I like at first will sooner or later just become soul numbing, boring drudgery, and I can’t deal with that. It can sometimes take a lot of mental exertion just to get myself to go to work, and then to keep doing whatever mindless task I’m being paid to do. Sometimes I just want to say “fuck it all”. I oscillate between depressive symptoms and anxiety symptoms a lot.

Does anybody else ever get a pain in their chest at work, creeping into their arm, and kind of get their hopes up for a minute, then the pain goes away and you’re left a little disappointed? No? Just me? Oh, okay. Yeah, never mind.

But in the meantime, I still have to earn a check. But I have to keep my guard up, too. For my own dignity and for what little shred of mental health I have left,too.

Then it occurs to me. I already have the answer. It’s even tattooed on my collarbone! Illegitimi non carborundum: Don’t let the bastards grind you down. Sure, it’s not true Latin, but it sure sounds good, and I’m all for playing around with words. These bastards, I’ve been letting them grind me down. I’m about ground smooth, too. But it’s making me harder in the process, like grinding a gemstone to make it ready for a ring. I’m not sure they’re going to like how I shine, but I’m done letting them grind me down.


More later.

Hand Grenades and HorseShoes, The Return

No more excuses. No more lazy Netflix binges. No more fear of the blank screen.

I used to write on a regular basis, but a couple of years ago, I fell into some sort of depression that left me without motivation to do it. Sure, I’d feel the urge here and there, but by the time I had the chance to sit down and hit the keyboard, I’d lost the will. Or I was worried it wouldn’t be any good.

Well, fuck it. I want to be that guy who’s always writing. I’ve made some tentative pokes at both of my blogs, but nothing regular. That stops now. I may not necessarily post everything I write, and I may not sit down at the computer every single day at first, but I’m going to write.

You know what? My topics may not be consistent. I’m all right with that. This is just going to be my “brain dump” blog. If you want more focused content, check out my bike blog: https://ridinandwritin.blogspot.com/

 

I have two memes I’m using to kick my own ass into gear. I’m sharing them in this post. I’m not the owner or creator of either and I don’t claim to be, so don’t get your panties in a twist in concerns of plagiarism or “appropriation” of content. It’ll be okay. I promise.

So, anyway, I’m back, y’all. I’m ready to toss some hand grenades, or some horseshoes. All depends on the mood of the day.