Friday, June 30, 2017

The Unified Theory of Conspiracy

I have a theory about conspiracy theories. Let’s call this the Conspiracy Theory Theory. Or The Unified Conspiracy Theory. Yeah, that sounds smart and shit.

What if ALL the conspiracy theories are rooted in truth?

We really were planted here by an alien race eons ago as an experiment. The alien abductions would all make sense then, eh? They’re just extrapolating data. Probably also tagging test subjects like biologists tag animals’ ears before releasing them back into the wild. Or maybe they’re the good aliens, and they’re implanting defenses against the mind control technologies of the evil reptilian alien beings who have taken control of most of our government workings? Of course they did that through using their puppets in groups like the Bilderberg Group, the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Catholic Church, the Unions, and the local Girl Scout troop (yes, Girl Scout cookies are a means of mind control). These groups are responsible for things like making the Soviets hire the Sicilians to pay to have Kennedy assassinated with a bullet that changes course mid-flight (more alien tech). I think we can also blame the aliens for the popularity of the Kardashians, man buns, rompers for men, and the McRib. They’re testing to see just how far they could push and have us still go along. I think the Kardashians established the threshold. God, let’s hope so, anyway.

But here’s the real kicker. (There’s always a kicker….)

They haven’t even tried to hide any of this from us. They were smart. Crafty as fuck. They told us, in plain language, even. They’ve revealed all their plans, their histories, their intrigue against the terrestrial branch of the human race. Here’s the really  sneaky, ultra-genius-mad-scientist level mind fuckery of it all:

They told it all to the most batshit crazy, fucked up, out there where the buses don’t run, off their meds nutjobs they could find.

Not only did this guarantee we wouldn’t believe the madman ramblings in the first place, it also put in motion the gears of the machine that would make us automatically reject any suggestion of these intrigues from otherwise sane people. Because we’ve already heard and dismissed it.


Wily, crafty motherfuckers, ain’t they?

See you later. I need to go buy as much tinfoil as I can. I like to wear a different hat every day……


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